Audition

Synopsis: A Christian actor auditions for a role in a major Hollywood movie. As the unseen director puts him through a humiliating series of tryout scenes, the actor begins to realise that being a "crossover" artist leaves one sitting on the fence. And he could end up on the wrong side if he's not careful.

Setting: An empty stage. Bright lights shine up or down onto the stage on the actors. A stool, or preferably, a director's chair, and a folding chair, are all the stage setting needed.

Characters: Jake Shelby, the actor. Irwin, the stage assistant. Mr. O'Neal, the unseen Producer.

Props: A cardboard box, a toy machine gun (styled like an AK-47 or an Uzi), a folder with the printed script pages inside, a clipboard.

Soundtrack: As always, the specially-recorded soundtrack will make your performance of this skit script much funnier, professional, and effective. The soundtrack CD for this skit is on the Combo Package #8 Soundtrack CD, along with the tracks to "The Pastor's Barbeque." You can order it now for $20 plus $1.50 shipping on the Soundtracks Page or add it to your shopping cart by clicking here.

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Notes: This script is easy to do because the actor playing the Producer is offstage on a microphone. He can have his script in front of him. The script pages that the actor and assistant read when doing the audition scenes can be held by the actors and read from as the actual script calls for. (You can print out a page containing the isolated dialogue parts here, which they can hold as they do the scenes.)

Jake walks out onto the stage and looks up into the bright lights over the head of the audience.

Jake: (Shielding his eyes against the glare, he speaks uncertainly.) Hello? Anybody there? I'm here to see Mr. O'Neal for the "Lone Wolf" movie audition...

Producer: (Over the speaker.) Yeah, yeah, you're in the right place. I'm O'Neal. Didn't you speak to the secretary on the way in?

Producer: I like it that way. You're the one coming here to be seen, not me. Notice the camera?

Producer: I'm watching you on video so I can judge how you'll look on camera, even before we do any screen tests. I tape you and we look at the audition tapes with the director later.

Jake, Well, I'm _____ years old (Note: use age of actual actor doing the script), I come from ______ (town the skit is being done in), and I'm majoring in drama in the community college there. I've done some theatre work, some Christmas plays, some local TV commercials, and some voiceover work in radio. When I read about the casting call for your movie, I thought I'd give it a try.

Producer: Well, we'll try you out and see if this is it! Good luck. I'm sending in my casting assistant, he'll give you the script pages and read all the other character's lines for you to play against.

(Irwin walks in with a folder of script pages and a cardboard box of the needed props.)

Irwin: (Sets down the box and shakes hands with Jake.) Nice to meet you, Jake. I think I went through ____(town mentioned before)___once. Nice little place.

Producer: Okay, now "Lone Wolf: The Movie" is going to be an epic action-adventure. We're having you read for the part of the leading man, who is a an undercover FBI agent. He's on assignment, and has to use various disguises and assume different roles. So the actor has to be able to pull off a variety of characters and accents, as well as pull off the action scenes. Irwin just brought in a box of props to help you out in the various scenes. Got it?

(Irwin takes the stool and sits to the stage left of Jake and in front of him, facing him, with his back partially turned to the audience. He reads all his lines from the script in a flat, monotone voice. He is obviously not an actor.)

Producer: Alright, let's get this audition underway. We're rolling. State your name for the tape, please.

Producer: Okay, Jake, we need to see how you handle yourself in action scenes. Take the machine gun prop and I'll give you your cues, and play some music and effects to help you get in the proper frame of mind.

(Note: If you do not wish to order the soundtrack for the music and effects, you could get away with having Irwin supply mouth-generated effects to go along with the Producer's direction. In that case, replace the above line about music and effects with this one by the Producer: "...Irwin will supply some make-do sound effects to help fill out the scene.")

Producer: Here's the setup: your cover as Harold the pusher has just been blown, and the drugrunners are confronting you beside your car in the parking building. This is the start of the film.

(Irwin holds the script up so that Jake can see it, and reads from his own, which he has placed on a clipboard.)

Irwin: (Flatly.) "Drop the gun, Harold, or whoever you are. We're onto you. It's over."

Jake: (Reading from the script.) "It's over alright, scum. For you! You're right, I'm not Harold. The name is Steel. Agent Derek Steel. F.B.I."

(Jake reacts to the sudden music and sounds, startled, then quickly gets into character, doing in a broad way each action as the Producer directs.)

Producer: The gang of drugrunners opens fire on the hero as he takes cover behind his car door!

(Bullets are flying as he leaps behind the chair and ducks back out, "firing" his machine gun.)

Producer: The bad guys toss a grenade! It explodes, blowing you across the room!

(A blast explodes on the soundtrack, and he throws himself out onto the floor, rolling and ducking more imaginary bullets.)

Producer: Still holding the machine gun, Steel rolls into a crouch and takes out the gunmen in a hail of bullets!

(Jake rolls to his feet, and waves the gun back and forth as it "fires" on the soundtrack.)

Producer: The hero stands, out of breath but triumphant, and drops the empty weapon on the floor and delivers his one liner.

Producer: Suddenly you are attacked by four ninjas! They kick and hit you, knocking you about!

(The sounds of martial arts kicking and punching erupts on the the soundtrack, with dynamic music. Jake reacts as if being hit repeatedly.)

Producer: But the hero comes back with kung fu, defeating his foes in a flurry of fists and flying feet!

(Jake leaps up with a flair, kicking and punching the air in a battle against his invisible opponents.)

Producer: The ninjas defeated, Agent Steel leaps into his car to pursue the remaining drugrunners!

(Jake hurriedly jumps into the chair and starts the "car" as the sounds on the CD dictate. He "drives" in a dramatic style as if chasing the bad guys.)

Producer: He narrowly avoids oncoming traffic as he chases the bad guys through downtown San Francisco!

(Jake wildly yanks the wheel as screeching tires and gunning engine noises roar, to rousing chase music.)

Producer: He narrowly misses a woman and her baby carriage, swerving the car and smashing a mailbox!

Producer: (Car crash on soundtrack.) The bad guys wreck their car! Steel stops and jumps out, running to the ruined vehicle!

(Car brakes to a halt and shuts off. Jake runs over to an imaginary wreck, doing what the producer tells him in grand style.)

Producer: Yanking open the car door, he drags out the survivor! He smacks him senseless, and throws him to the ground like a sack of garbage. The hero wins and delivers his one-liner!

(The music track ends as Jake stand heroically with his hands on his hips, somewhat out of breath.)

Producer: (Laughing.) Hey, not bad! You handle yourself pretty well. I think you could do the action stuff, no problem.

Jake: (Still winded.) Thanks! But I don't really like to play violent scenes all that much, though...

Producer: Really? (Pauses.) Well, that's what stunt men are for. All we need is someone to look good in the closeups.

Producer: But's there's a lot more to the leading role than just being an action hero. He's a romantic ladies man as well. Let's see how you do with a love scene.

(Jake looks over at Irwin with some doubt. Irwin hands him his script page with his lines.)

Jake: I have to do the scene with him? (Looking back at Irwin.) No offense. It might be a little difficult, that's all...

(Jake still looks dubious, but moves to stand beside Irwin, who is still on the stool.)

Producer: You look at her with the eyes that have wooed and won a thousand women.

Jake: "That's because there is no one else like me, babe. I'm the one and only."

(Jake unwillingly takes Irwin's hand and raises it, stopping it before he gets too close to it.)

Jake: "Velvet, I won't lie to you. I'll be gone in the morning. My life is too dangerous to make promises. But we have tonight. Just you and I under a diamond-studded desert sky."

Irwin: "Only tonight? My love, my dearest... I must have you for a lifetime, not only a night."

(Jake reluctantly holds Irwin at arm's length. Irwin looks bored as he delivers his lines.)

Irwin: "Oh, Derek. How I've dreamed about this moment since we met on the yacht. I've seen only your eyes, heard only your voice in my mind."

Jake: "My darling Velvet... Of all the women I've loved, you make me feel the most deeply. Look into my eyes and let me see the depth of your love. I want to drown in the pools of passion that I see there. I want to taste the sweetness of your lips... I...

(Jake drops the pose and lowers the script, looking up at the lights where the camera is.)

Jake: I'm sorry, I just can't do my best acting under these circumstances. I'm too uncomfortable. (Looks at Irwin.) Again, no offense.

Producer: Okay, I guess I can't blame you for that. Method acting is tough when all you have to look at is Irwin there.

Producer: Here's the setup: you're in the office of your supervisor assigning you to the most dangerous case of your career, and you don't like having to break in a new partner. Play it tough!

Jake: (Referring to the script, he clears his throat, and stands taller as he begins delivering the lines. He points a finger at Irwin.) "Hold it right there, Brock. What's this... uh, stuff about a new partner? I prefer to work alone, you know that."

Irwin: (Looks up at him for a moment uncertainly, then delivers his lines.) "Not any more, Steel. Headquarters says you're too much of a loose cannon."

Jake: "That's a load of... baloney. I'm not called Lone Wolf for nothing. Forget it."

Jake: "Tell Headquarters that they can kiss... uh, kiss my foot. That idiot Breckenridge is a paper-pushing, um, bean-counting... uh... bureaucrat who can go to... uh, hades, before I'll take a... uh, dumb partner like the last one."

Jake: To be honest, Mr. O'Neal, I'm... uncomfortable with some of the language in it. I thought that I could just substitute something less offensive and still get the meaning across.

Producer: The swearing has to stay, to make the scene work. Your character isn't a Boy Scout, he's a seasoned field agent. Now read it again, with the lines done right.

Jake: (Reluctantly, he starts again.) "Hold it right there, Brock. What's this... what's this..."

Jake: I'm sorry, I just can't do the lines with all the cursing in it. I don't use that kind of language in my life, and I can't bring myself to do it on camera with everyone watching. If I play a hero, the kids watching will imitate me, and I don't want to be responsible for that.

Producer: (After a moment's silence.) You're... you're kidding me, right? (Laughs.) Yeah, you're kidding, showing me you can do comedy! (Chuckles.) That's funny stuff. But this scene isn't supposed to be funny. Now let's try again. Really let loose on him and show him you mean business!

Jake: I do mean business, Mr. O'Neal. I'd prefer not to do it with the swearing and blasphemy.

Producer: I don't believe this. What are you, a Ward Cleaver or something? This audition ain't for a Superman movie, it's for Lone Wolf. He's tough, a man's man.

Jake: I have no objections against playing a tough man. One of the toughest men ever portrayed in the movies was done without saying a single dirty word. Remember Jesus in his recent record-breaking smash movie?

Producer: (Under his breath.) Mohammad on a Moped! Why don't they screen these people better than this? (To Jake.) Look, kid, you got the look for a leading man in Hollywood. You carry yourself well and you could go far with the right contacts. But all the contacts in the world won't help, if you won't take a role just because you have some personal moral objection to it. You might as well forget about making it in this town with that attitude.

Jake: So you're telling me there are no movie producers with morality? You have personal morals, don't you?

Producer: (Sharply.) Yes, Mr. Do-Right, I have morals, they just happen to be different from yours.

Jake: Besides, Mr. O'Neal, it's not just the language. I was having trouble with the violence and sexual promiscuity the hero, so-called, endorses by his lifestyle. I can't go against my convictions.

Producer: Yeah, whatever. Thanks for coming to the audition. We'll look at your tape, and if the director thinks you have potential, you'll get a call-back. But personally, I wouldn't lose any sleep waiting for one. Thank you. Good day. Irwin, bring on the next one.

Jake: Now just a second. Let me get this straight... you're dismissing me just because I'm not a foul-mouthed, unprincipled heathen like most of the other actors around here? What about talent? Doesn't it count for anything any more?

Jake: No! (Shaking off Irwin's hand from his elbow.) Wait just a doggone minute! I spent a week's pay on airline tickets to get here. You owe me an explanation!

Producer: (Angry now.) Okay, kid, I wanted to spare you, but you want the truth, I'll give it to you straight.

Producer: (Ignoring him.) Here it is, straight-up. (Visciously.) You ain't got what it takes to make it in this town.

Producer: You want specifics? Here you go. You flailed around like Barney Fife in the action scenes. Audiences would laugh themselves stupid seeing that on the big screen. And as a romantic lead? Even worse. You couldn't get a dog to kiss you with ridiculous mugging like that. A pizza boy's delivery is better than yours. Your voice sounds like a smashed fiddle. Your profile looks like a traffic pileup.

Irwin: (With sympathy toward Jake.) I think he gets the picture, Mr. O'Neal...

Producer: Oh, I'm just warming up! You're not good enough to even hold the snotty tissue of a real actor. You couldn't play a dead man in a funeral scene. You're a no-talent failure! (Begins yelling.) You're a nobody, you got nothing to offer this town, nada, zip, ziltch!!! (Breathes heavily into the mic after his tirade.) Do yourself and Hollywood a favor... go back to whatever little hick town you came from, and stay there. Now beat it. Real actors are waiting to audition.

Irwin: (Halfway reaching out in a sympathetic gesture.) Sorry about that, kid.

(Jake walks off without a word, head bowed and hands in pockets. Irwin reluctantly goes back across the stage toward the stool.)

Producer: (After Jake has left.) Good riddance. And you felt sorry for him, you sap!

Irwin. (Glancing up darkly as he gathers the script pages.) You didn't have to come down so hard on him. He'll never try out for anything ever again.

Producer: I did all the other producers a favor, then. Bring on the next one already, and stop moping!

Irwin: (Mutters to himself as he goes toward the opposite exit.) I'm really starting to hate this tinsel town.

(But Jake has entered from his side of the stage again and is looking up defiantly.)

Irwin: (Crossing his arms and leaning back on the stool with an earnest grin.) No, this ought to be interesting!

Jake: First of all, I want to thank you for your critique. You've done me a great service.

Jake: You made me realise that I was looking in the wrong place to have my dreams fulfilled. I was looking to man for my success, when I should have been looking to God. I know now what really counts in life. Not worldy success, but success with God. And with Him, all things are possible. And through Christ, I can do all things.

Jake: The name is Jake. But it doesn't matter if you don't know me... because God knows my name. He cares for me, and He has a plan for my life. One that uses every talent He invested in me. I'm going to start seeking that plan, instead of my own. But you know what's really amazing to me, Mr. O'Neal? He also loves you. Now that just blows my mind. But it also gives me hope. If He can love even you enough to die for your sins, then I can accept that, through Him, I can love you too.

(There is silence a moment as the Producer considers that. Irwin, impressed, begins to clap as he smiles. Jake nods and gives him a slight smile as he turns to leave again. Irwin takes off his glasses and wipes some moisture from his eyes.)

Producer: (Sullenly.) You're quite the speaker. Sounds like you should have been a preacher instead of an actor.

Jake: (Stops in his tracks, as if just realizing that. He turns around with an new insight.) You know... you're right! (Passionately.) I was called to minister, several years ago. But I felt inadequate, and thought that my acting ability would be wasted in Christian work. I was seduced by the bright lights of Hollywood, and thought that I would find greater satisfaction in films. But that was just ego. And I know now that the effort be a crossover artist can put you on the wrong side of the fence. May the Lord forgive me for it. (Looks up to heaven with a new determination on his face.) I promise God right now, with you as my witnesses, that I will devote my life, my talents, my all, to His service and Kingdom, to use as He sees fit. (Bowing his head, he prays out loud with feeling.) Dear Jesus, thank You for opening my eyes to the hollow reality of the world.

Jake: Father, forgive me for my pride and ego, and give me the wisdom to know what to do, and where to go in Your service. Strengthen me to resist the temptation of the world's offers and use me as You will to reach the lost. In Jesus name, amen.

(After a moment of silence, the Producer speaks, and shows he has missed the point completely.)

Producer: (Impressed.) Wow... what a show. That's powerful. Seriously, you had me believing it for a minute. You really are a good actor. Holy Buddha on a Scooter! You're a great actor!

Jake: (Looking back up.) I'm not acting, Mr. O'Neal. If I do, it will be in God's service through drama. And I pray that you do believe. (Turning to Irwin, he offers his hand. Irwin takes it with a meaningful look and shakes it.) Goodbye, Irwin. Thanks for the help.

Producer: (With new excitement.) Wait... wait... that gives me an idea! Don't go anywhere, Jake! I have the perfect role for you!

Producer: I've recently optioned a screenplay that would be the perfect vehicle for you! Your passion, your idealism, your cleancut image would all fit in great! It will be a major motion picture!

Producer: Here it is, I'm offering you the part flat out. It's based a true story, all about the rise and fall of a famous TV evangelist!

Producer: (Excitedly.) He swindles his flock, takes advantage of the distraught women who come for prayer, and builds a multi-million dollar empire with the money sent by old ladies, before it all goes up in flames of desire, betrayal, and revenge! It'll be a huge hit!

Producer: Hey! Where are you going? I'm making you an offer you can't refuse! Name your price!

Jake: (Pausing.) Nothing you could pay me would be worth the high cost of compromise.

(Looking back up, Jake grins as he uses the producer's own words against him.)

(He walks off as Irwin chuckles in amusement, and gives him a "thumbs up" sign. Irwin continues to look after him even though he is gone.

Producer: Irwin! Stop him! Get him a contract to sign, he's just holding out for more money! Call his agent! Do something!!!

Irwin: (Throwing the script pages down on the floor.) I am going to do something, Mr. O'Neal. I'm leaving to catch up with him, and I'm not coming back.

Irwin: (With longing and determination.) To find what that young man has. Happiness. Satisfaction. Self-respect. And a life where I don't sacrifice my pride and principles every day to make a living. So long, Mr. O'Neal.

Producer: Irwin, you can't do this to me! You Judas! You traitor! You... (Pause.) He's gone. I can't believe it. (Muttering.) I don't believe it. I don't believe all that stuff about God, either. I don't need God, I don't need Irwin, I don't need anybody.

Producer: (Groans.) Unh, my chest. Gotta have my heart pills. Miss Nash, bring my heart pills and a glass of water. Miss Nash... Miss Nash? Are you there? I need help! Somebody! Anybody! Help... (Fades out as the music rises to the climatic end.)

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