"The Battle of the Sexes: Round One"
by Fred Passmore copyight 2003

(Please read the Rights of Use conditions at the bottom of this page before printing out.)

Characters: Adam and Eve.

Costumes: primitive-looking animal skins. Use brown cloth cut raggedly and fitted in crude tunics. Fake fur can be obtained from craft stores to make them more realistic. This can be worn over leotards for modesty's sake and also for a humorous effect.

Props: a stick, an inch or two in width and several feet in length. A large python-like stuffed-toy snake like those awarded as prizes in carnivals, or bought at toy stores. Attach a string to the head and run the string across the stage before the sketch. Assign someone to pull it out from the opposite side toward the middle when called for in the script.

Setting: Several artificial trees and plants lined up to resemble a jungle.

Note: Your actors deliver the dialog and you play the background music and effects tracks as listed in the script to enhance your performance. HOWEVER, there is also a fully-recorded version on the CD with voices that you can act it out with. Read on below to see how to make it work... OR TO USE AS THE PRE-RECORDED TRACK FOR AN ALL-AGES PUPPET PERFORMANCE.

Soundtrack: As always, the specially-recorded soundtrack will make your performance of this skit script much funnier, professional, and effective. The soundtrack for this skit is on the Combo Package #4 Soundtrack CD, along with "Mama's Close Call!"

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Here's a unique idea to make this skit easer to perform: this script was written to do the lines live, and use the soundtrack background effects and music. However, there is also a fully-recorded version on the CD that has all the voices, from my upcoming comedy album project "Let's Skit Crazy!" I have included this on the Soundtrack CD above. Now, there IS a way to use this fully-produced track and not have to speak your own lines if you (A.) prefer to do it that way, or (B.) have limited time to learn lines because you started late. Here's how; before starting the play, have someone come out and introduce it, and say that since Adam and Eve didn't speak English, you are providing an English translation of their dialog as they speak, similar to the way movies dub in English over foreign language films. Then, play the demo track (Track #15 on the Soundtrack CD #4) and have your actors go through the motions and act as if delivering their lines (not lip-sycing, just acting as if speaking normally, we just don't hear them) while the "translated and dubbed" dialog, music and sounds play on the CD. Genius, no?

The script below was written for live performance and contains the track numbers and notations on using the soundtrack. If you do the "act it out" method using track #15, then do not use the track numbers below.

Sound Note: Copy the jungle sound effects track Cut #6 to cassette and play it continuously during the sketch, and play the individual effect tracks on the CD as called for.


"The Battle of the Sexes: Round One"

(Music and sounds effects open: Cut #1; dramatic music, accompanied by thunderous booming and wind. Also begin the continuous jungle effects you have placed on tape from Cut #6.)

Narrator: (On the soundtrack if used.) The backstory to this little drama is pretty short: because Adam and Eve ate of the Tree which God had forbidden them to eat, they were cast out of the garden. And the Lord placed angels at the entrance to keep them from returning. All in all, things looked pretty bleak. We join the unhappy couple just outside the garden, as the thunder of judgment dies off in the distance.

(Adam and Eve run onto stage during the above narration and hold each other, quaking, as they flee from the storm, driving them out of the garden. The thunder settles down and fades, and they are left holding each other. Adam looks stricken and Eve is crying onto his shoulder. Adam is clearly concerned, but is sort of bluffing his way through it at first for her sake.

Adam: (As the thunder and wind are dying.) "Whew! You've got to hand it to the Lord, He really has a great flair for the dramatic!"

Eve: "Oh, Adam, why do you take everything so lightly? Everything's ruined! We've been evicted from our Eden and cursed."

Adam: "Now, now, don't keep on crying, Eve, we'll make it somehow. Look at it this way... things can't possibly get any worse!"

(Sound effects CD Track #2: A snarl sounds nearby, with growls. Eve starts, frightened by this, and clutches Adam, who looks as afraid as she does.)

Eve: "What's that?"

Adam: "I don't know... but it sounds like things are about to get worse!"

(Another animal screams, and thrashing noises are heard.)

Adam: (Leaving Eve, he walks cautiously toward the right side of the stage and looks off it. He reacts to the thrashing, roaring and squeeling with shock.) "A tiger is attacking a bush hog! Oooo, that's gotta hurt!"

Eve: "What, Adam? What's happening?"

Adam: (Coming back to Eve, he blocks her from getting any closer and steers her away.) "Trust me, you do not want to know. That never happened before." (He shudders.)

Eve: (in walking, she steps on something sharp.) "Ow! Ow!" (She hops on one foot, holding the other in her hand.)

Adam: (Begins hopping on one foot also.) "Hey, Eve, nice dance step there, is that new?"

Eve: "Adam, you insensitive clod! Something is stuck in my foot and it's as painful as sin! See what it is!"

(She holds it up as he kneels to look at it, and mimes pulling out a large thorn, as she winces.)

Adam: (Looking at it.) "Looks like a thorn."

Eve: "What's a thorn?"

Adam: "I don't know, I never saw one before."

Eve: (Rubbing her foot.) "Then how do you know it's a thorn?"

Adam: (shrugs) "It doesn't look like anything else."

Eve: (Looking around with apprehension, she draws close to Adam.) "Adam, I'm frightened... it's getting dark, and there are more big scary animal noises, and I'm..."

Adam: "Huh?"

Eve: "I'm... I'm..."

Adam: (Taking her by the shoulders.) "Just spit it out!"

(She sneezes loudly and violently in his face.)

Adam: (He recoils and wipes his face, then wipes his hands on his animal skin.) "Why did you do that?"

Eve: "I don't know, I couldn't help it... I think these smelly animal skins are making me do it!"

Adam: "Well, they're better than the fig leaves. I think I have a radish from those things."

Eve: "You mean a 'rash."

Adam: "'Radish, rash... whatever, they both make me itch."

(She sneezes again loudly and Adam ducks.)

Eve: (She sniffs.) "Sorry."

Adam: "It's the curse..."

Eve: "I didn't curse, I think it was a... a sneeze."

Adam: "No, I said it's the curse that... (He does a double-take.) 'Sneeze?' What kind of a word is that, 'sneeze?' That's ridiculous sounding. 'Sneeze.'"

Eve: "Well, who says you have to be the one making up all the words? I think 'sneeze' describes it perfectly."

Adam: "It's a stupid word. Snee-e-e-e-e-eze. It's nonsensicle! Nobody will ever use it. Just leave the new word creation up to me."

Eve: (Putting her hands on her hips.) "They will too use it. Years from now, when people... "sneeze," (Adam rolls his eyes) they'll have me to thank for it, whether they know it or not! You're not the only creative one... I have something to contribute, too, you know."

Adam: "Oh, yeah, you're real good at contributing. You contributed to this whole mess we're in."

Eve: (crossing her arms and turning away from him.) "There you go, blaming me for it again! It wasn't my fault you lost control of your appetite."

Adam: "My appetite... MY appetite? You're the one who ate us out of house and home! Eve, what part of "forbidden fruit" didn't you understand? 'For-bid-den,' Eve, it meant 'Don't eat the stupid fruit!'"

Eve: "Don't raise your voice at me, Mr. Adam; you sure were quick to snarf a big bite when I offered it to you!"

Adam: "Because I listened to you! I should have known better. I knew it was a stupid thing to do, but did I listen to my better judgement? Nooo, I listened to you. Well, from this day forward, man shall not hearkeneth unto a woman!"

(He picks up a stick and holds it horizontally in front of him at about waist level. He begins to walk back and forth across the stage, making a loud "rrrrrrr" sound. He is going through the motions of pushing a lawn mower.)

Eve: (She follows behind him as he goes back and forth, talking loudly over his noisemaking.) "You never really listened to me before, Adam. What made you then? Because you secretly wanted to taste the fruit, too!"

Adam: (With his back turned to her, he continues "mowing." ) "I can't heeeear you! Mowing the lawn!"

Eve: "That's it! You overheard what the serpent said to me, and you wanted to be like a god, knowing good and evil! Well, now you know, so how's it taste, big man?"

Adam: "I'm busy, and I still can't hear you!"

(Eve blocks his path and stands with her hands on her hips again.)

Eve: "What are you doing? You look so silly!"

Adam: (swerving around her and still "mowing.") "I'm working! God said I'm supposed to work, and sweat, so I'm working! See? Work, work, work! (He wipes his brow.) Hey, get me something cold to drink, huh, baby?"

Eve: "You're not really working, you're just looking like it so you can avoid talking to me! Just like a man!"

(Adam reaches the end of the stage and comes back, passing her, making his lawnmower sound.)

Eve: "All right, if that's how you want it, I can stop talking too!" (She tosses her head and pouts.)

Adam: (Wagging his head.) "Ooooh, big threat! Look, I'm begging. NOT!"

Eve: "Oooh-ho, you'll be begging before it's over, believe me."

Adam: (Abruptly stopping his "mowing" and dropping the stick.) "What do you mean?"

Eve: "You know exactly what I mean. (Turns her back to him and crosses her arms.) Go find yourself some other woman to ignore."

Adam: (Dangerously.) "Don't even kid about that. You know good and well there are no other women."

Eve: (Pointedly.) "And there may never be."

Adam: (Contritely.) "Eve, let's talk about this..."

Eve: "Oh, now he wants to talk. (Stretching her hand back toward him.) Well, talk to the hand, 'cause the head ain't listening."

Adam: "Oh, very funny. Where do you come up with this stuff? That's what you should have said to the yakkedy-yak serpent!"

Eve: (Spinning around, she pokes him in the chest repeatedly as she makes her point. He backs up some at her scolding.) "I only listened to him because you were so busy naming every single, stinking little creepy-crawly thing you could find! Leave some for somebody else, for crying out loud!"

Adam: "Okay, maybe I should have paid more attention to you. But a serpent? What were you thinking?"

(Begin pulling the stuffed-toy snake onto the stage from the other side, and let it slowly approach Eve.)

Eve: "At least HE talked! And he knew how to give a compliment. You think just because you're the only man around that you have the market cornered.Well, you see what happened. It's all your fault. Even God said it was!"

(Begin Cut #3: The narrator's lines, followed by the snake fight music and effects.

Narrator: "Meanwhile, unnoticed by the quarrelling couple, a large python slowly neared them. Or maybe it was an anaconda. Or it could have been a boa constrictor... I could never tell them apart. Anyway, it was a huge snake, with big sharp teeth in it's huge... jaws. And it's beady little eyes saw them... as lunch. Slowly it crawled closer... and closer... until..."

(Eve sits down tiredly as the narrrator is speaking. Adam turns his back and crosses his arms. Eve looks up just as the snake reaches her, which is when the narrator finishes the above lines. She sees it and leaps up screaming, waving her hands about and dancing on her tiptoes as it moves at her feet.)

Eve: (screaming) "ADAM! HELP!!!"

(The above CD track is still playing, with the snake hissing and dramatic music for the fight scene.)

(Adam leaps to her rescue, falling on the snake to wrestle it. The actor can have real fun with this, making the "snake" wrap around him and his neck as he rolls on the ground struggling with it. Eve grabs the stick and tries to help, but is missing each time she tries to hit it, and smacks Adam instead as he rolls around! Adam reacts comically to each hit. She is doing more damage to him than the snake!)

Adam: "Ouch! Eve! What are you doing?!?!?"

Eve: (Looking for an opening to smack it again.) "Trying to help!"

Adam: "Me or the snake?"

(Finally Adam gets the upper hand and grabs the snake around the neck, jumps up and slams it it the ground several times, then holds up it's limp body triumphantly, before he slings it off-stage. The music changes to a "go, team, go" drumbeat and Adam pumps his arms in the air and does a quick "touch-down" victory dance. Eve runs to him, embracing him.)

Eve: "Adam, you risked your life to save me!"

Adam: (Out of breath.) "Of course, Eve! I love you. You're the only woman for me, don't you know that?"

(Begin Track #4 on the CD, a love theme that features a few notes from "Amazing Grace.")

(Overcome by the stress of the day, Eve sinks down to sit on the edge of the stage, and Adam joins her, pulling her close as she hides her face in his shoulder. )

Eve: "Snakes, I hate them! I'll always hate them! And I hate thorns, and killing, and that an innocent animal had to die so we could have clothes."

Adam: "Me too, me too." (Seeing how she is holding to him, he smiles a little.) "Look. I'm sorry for what I said, and the way I acted. I was just taking out my anger at myself on you, and I shouldn't have."

Eve: (Sniffling) "You don't really blame me for it all?"

Adam: "I can't blame you for any of it, Eve. I'm the man, it was my responsibility. I sinned. And because I sinned, we'll have to suffer, and our offspring will have to suffer. I think God would be better off with a new Adam. Maybe he would do better than I did. I am a failure, a total failure."

(Eve comforts Adam and strokes his hair, looking at him compassionately.)

Eve: (softly and tenderly) "Hey, big guy... I think God knows what kind of man you are. After all, He made you, didn't He? And He doesn't make anyone to be a failure."

(Adam nods, his head buried in her hair.)

Eve: (Lifting her eyes to the stars.) "And I believe He still loves you."

Adam: (Lifts his head hopefully.) "You really think so?"

Eve: "I know He does."

Adam: "But how?"

Eve: (Tenderly pushing some hair out of his eyes.) "'Cause I do."

(They embrace as Adam stifles a sob. The music is coming to an end about now.)

Adam: (Wiping his eyes, he speaks with a new resolve.) "It's just us now, mama, and we'll just have to stick together till we get out of this mess we made. And one day we will get out of it. God promised that, didn't He?"

Eve: "I'll never forget it. He gave me a hope I can hang on to."

Adam: (Helping her to her feet.) "And a man you can hang on to, also!"

(This time Adam sneezes, more loudly and forcefully than Eve had.)

Eve: "God bless you!"

Adam: "Why would you say that?"

Eve: (shrugging) "It just seems like the right thing to say."

Adam: "Well, it's a good saying. I like it. And you were right, it did feel like a... a 'sneeze.'"

(Smiling, they begin to walk off, hand in hand, but Adam stops and looks back in the direction they came from when the left the garden.)

Eve: "I wonder if we'll ever be allowed back in Paradise again."

Adam: "We will. Someday, when the Deliverer that God promised is born."

(Adam and Eve stop at the same time and look at each other.)

Eve: "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Adam: "We'd better get busy!"

Adam: (As they exit the stage, arms around each other.) "Let's go raise a little Cain!"

(IMMEDIATELY begin Track #5 on the CD, Close Music and Narration.)

Narrator: (On the same CD track.) "And so, they lived happily ever after.... oops, wrong story.... And so, Round One in the Battle of the Sexes ends in a draw and a temporary truce. The same battle would rage between their descendants, as countless men and women down through the years fought with no less inconclusive results. The children Adam and Eve had caused them no little amount of grief and heartache, but one day the promised deliverer was indeed born. I'd call that a happy ending, wouldn't you?"

(The "Close Music" CD track brings it to a humorous conclusion.)


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