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"Attack of the Monster Tongue"

(Longer sketch version)

Music, lyrics and dialog by Fred Passmore and Jon Lawhon, copyright 1998

(Cut #5: Music and singing skit open)

(Pastor Bob comes onstage after the musical intro "O, For A Thousand Tongues" is heard. Preferably, the stage is dark except for a spotlight on him. He begins to speak a little after the sounds of crickets and frogs is heard on the soundtrack.)

Pastor Bob:

"The night was so thick
you could stir it with a stick
In our friendly, peaceful town.

Till an evil whisper blew in like a wind
that made the man in the moon to frown.
It slithered in someone's back door
and through the telephone lines.

But when it reached the church house steps
a chill went down my spine."

(The reading should be practiced to time out end just before the beginning of the singing part that comes next.)

Song lyrics: (you may have a couple of females to the side that lip-synch, or even sing along, to the chorus each time it plays, to add some visual interest to those sequences. If so, the spotlight should move to them as the pastor leaves the stage.)

Look out for the monster tongue!
It preys on the old and the young.
It's set on fire of hell,
when it strikes, no one can tell.
It could be right behind your back
to launch a sudden sneak attack.
"Something wicked this way comes..."
Attack...(shriek) of the Monster Tongue!

(The spotlight on the "singers" fades out, then the stage lights are brought up on the scene. The music background is fading out as the characters enter.))

(Irma and Sally are walking toward each other from oposite ends of the stage. SALLY has a grocery bag with some items in it. They meet in the middle and stop to speak.)

IRMA: "Hello, Sally!"

SALLY: "Hi, Irma! How are you?"

IRMA: "Fine, fine. How have you been?"

SALLY: "Oh, besides the usual old pain, I'm doing all right."

IRMA: "Speaking of which, how is your husband lately?"

SALLY: "Lazier than ever! I can't even get him to come to town to pick up some necessities. (Pulls a bag of snack food part of the way out of the bag she is carrying.) I had to get my cheese puffs myself!"

IRMA: "That's awful. Oh, let me tell you what I saw a little while ago. Guess who I spied walking past the liquor lounge?"

SALLY: "Who?"

IRMA: "Pastor Bob!"

SALLY: "No!"

IRMA: Yes! What do you suppose he was doing in THAT part of town?"

SALLY: "Well, that's a good question! What were you doing there, by the way?"

IRMA: "Uh, well, I was just passing by! But the Pastor should flee even the appearance of evil, shouldn't he? Why, once he saw me, he crossed the street to walk by on the other side!"

SALLY: "That is suspicious! Well, I must run along. Goodbye!"

IRMA: "Tootle-oo!"

(They begin to walk off in the direction they were going when they met, but Sally stops and takes out her cell phone, punches in a number and speaks.)

SALLY: "Hello, Clarence? Sally here. Is your wife nearby? (Listens.) Oh well, I'll catch her later. Just had a little news for her... (Listens.) Well, then you can tell her for me. Mind you, this is not gossip...it's a prayer request. Pray for our pastor! I have it on very good authority that he's been seen coming out of the downtown liquor lounge!"

(She walks off stage, phone to her ear. Just as she exits on her side, CLARENCE walks onstage from the other, his own cell phone at his ear. We see the other side of the conversation then.)

CLARENCE: "Really? That's very interesting. There's no telling what he was doing in there, but I bet he wasn't preaching! (Listens.) I'll tell the little woman. We'll get a prayer chain together immediately! Thanks for calling, Sally."

(As he closes the cell phone, FRANK comes in from the other side of the stage.)

CLARENCE: "Frank! We have a situation developing that concerns the church."

FRANK: "What's up? Did Elmer run off again and leave Betty to do Sunday school by herself again?"

CLARENCE: "Bigger than that, that happens every payday."

FRANK: "Did Joe's boys put catfish in the baptismal again?"

CLARENCE: "Something even fishier than that!"

FRANK: "Well, don't make me keep guessin' man! Spit it out!"

CLARENCE: "Our pastor was just seen at the downtown liquor lounge...sittin' at a table with a strange woman!"

FRANK: (Slaps his forehead with a hand.) "I don't believe it! And he seemed so good, this one did. It seems like we just can't keep a Pastor!"

CLARENCE: "Fast as we get 'em, we hear something like this. History must have Alzhiemers, cause it just keeps repeating itself! Oh, by the way, don't you repeat any of this! You didn't hear it from me."

(FRANK mimes pulling a zipper across his mouth. CLARENCE gives him the thumbs up, and they part. As they do, FRANK looks back to see when CLARENCE has gone. He "unzips" his mouth, sees someone offstage, and yells to them.)

FRANK: "Hey, Tom! I'm not supposed to repeat any of this, so I'm only gonna say it once...our pastor is an alcoholic... and, he's cheating on his wife!" (He gleefully runs offstage in their direction.)

(Begin Cut #6: Second song chorus plays as the next scene is set up. If spotlights are used, take down the stage lights and spot the "singers." As they finish, bring the stage lights back up. IRMA and ANNIE come onstage and sit in the chairs at the table. The music fades out as they enter.)

IRMA: "I'm glad you came over so quickly, Annie. Would you like some tea?"

ANNIE: "Yes, thank you."

(IRMA pours her some.)

ANNIE: "I appreciate you taking me into your confidence about all this, Irma."

IRMA: "Well, I felt that as the church secretary you should be aware of these things."

ANNIE: But is it really true that Pastor Bob is a boozing, cocaine-addicted, wife-beating, Communistic, peeping tom?"

IRMA: "Yes! And even worse...he's a liberal!" (or use “Democrat.”)

(ANNIE gasps and puts down her teacup, rattling the saucer.)

(Play Cut #7: Sound effect of phone ringing.)

IRMA: (To ANNIE.) "Excuse me, dearie. My phone has been ringing off the hook with people wanting to know what's happening!" (Picking up the phone from the table.) Hello?"

GERTRUDE: (filtered: part is played by someone offstage on a mic.) Hello, Irma? Gertrude. Have I got a juicy tidbit for you!

IRMA: "Lay it on me, sister!"

(She pours herself some more tea and picks it up to sip as she listens.)

GERTRUDE: "You know that vicious rumor about Pastor Bob? Turns out that he was on that side of town visiting that new family that's been coming to church. But the best part is...he found out who started it, and he's going to confront them now as we speak!"

IRMA: (spews out tea and chokes) "Really?"

GERTUDE: "You wouldn't happen to know who it is, would you?"

IRMA: "Uh, well...no, uh..."

(PLAY Cut #8: sound effect of doorbell)

(Annie goes to answer the door, since IRMA is on the phone, but IRMA screams at her.)

IRMA: "Annie! DON'T ANSWER THAT!!!"

(She drops the phone and grabs the confused ANNIE by the arm, quickly hustling her off stage in the opposite direction from the front door. Fade the stage lights and spot the Pastor as he enters.)

(Begin Cut #9,as the Pastor walks back onstage with the microphone and addresses the audience. His reading should time out to the music and end as the music pauses, then the final chorus begins. Listen to Cut #1 for the timing.)

"Yeah, that tongue had a sharp and deadly edge
and it spread some vicious lies.
But we used the two-edged Sword of the Spirit
to cut it down to size.
When it saw us filled with truth and love
it's monstrous heart turned chicken...
that day we used the Word of God
to give that tongue...a lickin'.

(The chorus starts as the "singers" move into the spotlight beside the pastor and lip-synch to the lyrics. As they finish the vocals, Pastor Bob delivers his final lines over the instrumental end.)

PASTOR BOB: (over instrumental fade and phone effects)

"I'm Pastor Bob...it happened to me.
It could happen to you.
Is that your phone ringing?
Whatcha gonna do?"

(Spotlight fades out to black.)

The End

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