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"The Pastor's Barbeque"
by Fred Passmore
copyight 2001

Synopsis: Based on our 2003 national radio release, and performed to a musical soundtrack, this skit/song combo tells the story of how some disgruntled church members call a secret meeting to oust the pastor, a true man of God. As they roast him with their heated complaints, an unexpected visitor sent by God breaks up the meeting in a way they'll never forget. Caution: if you have had, or are having problems with people in the church trying to undermine your pastor, this presentation will seriously step on some toes.

Characters: The Narrator, Deacon Farkle, Brother Neal, Sister Shirley, Sister Bertha, Sister Turner. Several other unnamed males for various parts.

Props: None needed.

Download a preview of the song here. Buy the album it is on, "Comedy Cookout" by Prime Example, along with over an hour's worth of other skits and songs, here. (This is for listening, not performing. To perform, use the soundtrack detailed in the yellow paragraph above.)

Note: Although this song/skit can, and has been, performed live with the soundtrack, with one person doing the narration and the others acting out the story and doing their lines, it can also be done in a much easier way: "Live Radio Style." This means doing it like a singing group, with a narrator and singers telling the story exactly as it is in the fully produced radio version. The Soundtrack CD gives you four different options to choose from, according to the level of involvement you want to have. Please keep in mind that this script is intended to be used with the soundtrack CD... doing it plain, vocal-only, is not recommended, and would be a mis-use of it.

"The Pastor's Barbeque"by Fred Passmore
copyright 2002 Prime Example

(Harmonica and humming opens first, then the narration begins. No music for first few lines.)

Narrator: The afternoon air was ringin’ / with happy people sounds,
as our church all came together / for our dinner on the grounds.
The Spanish moss was swaying / in the Louisiana breeze (music begins here)
and the smoke of ribs cooked southern-style / was wafting through the
trees.
When my cookin’ filled their bellies/ they gathered round my table
to hear the storyteller weave / a legend or a fable.
But this time I held them spellbound / with a tale that's really true...
of the Uninvited Stranger / at the Pastor's Barbeque.

(Chorus)
(group) We'll pick apart the preacher,
then we'll put him on the grill
we'll string him up then run him down
until we've had our fill.
(individual voices)
We'll stew him in some misery.
He'll turn on our rotisserie!
We'll baste him with some tangy sauce.
We'll show that fellow who's the boss!
(group) We've had it with his meddling,
from the pulpit to the pew.
So we're gonna have Roast Preacher
at the Pastor's barbeque!


"How do you like the new preacher?" someone asked the Deacon Farkle.
"Well done!" he answered slyly, with a grin and eyes a-sparkle.
"Why, he called my name in the sermon today," said Sister Shirley McFee.
"Shirley, Your Sins Will Find You Out," was pointed right at me!
"He makes me feel," said Brother Neal, "as if I'd had a beating!"
Sister Bertha summed it up with: "Think it's time we had a meeting!"

So next Monday night/ the malcontents / met at the church / together.
A storm was brewing / but they all came / regardless of the weather.
Sister Turner / lit the burner / with a searing accusation:
"Why just last week / he had the nerve / to preach about temptation!"
Then the sheep all burned in effigy/ he that shepherded their souls.
As each one loudly raised their voice / to rake him o'er the coals.

(Different voices:)

"Why can't the man just let things be, we've done it this way for a
century!"
"Messin’ round with our tradition, saying our souls are in poor
condition!"
"What gives him the right to tell us we’re wrong,
no, he won’t be here very long."
"When he first applied," said Deacon Farkle, "I said we shouldn't hire
him.
Perhaps you'll finally agree with me now, it's God's will that we fire
him!"

(Chorus)
(group) We'll pick apart the preacher,
then we'll put him on the grill
we'll string him up then run him down
until we've had our fill.
(individual voices)
We'll butter him up like corn on the cob
then skew him with a shishkebob!
He's gonna be red, hot and blue
by the time that all of us are through!
(group) We've had it with his meddling,
from the pulpit to the pew.
So we're gonna have Roast Preacher
at the Pastor's Barbeque!


We blurted our beefs with the Pastor, of which there were no lack
at our sneaky little meeting that we'd called behind his back.
When suddenly, with a gust of wind, the doors blew open wide
and Sister Turner gasped out loud as a figure stepped inside.
A flash of lightning lit the stranger standing in the door,
no-one there could say they'd ever seen his like before.
He was rugged, like a prophet, from his sandals to his hair
and every eye was on him; to greet him none would dare.

In the silence he walked to the pulpit, and we watched him as he turned
to face our shameful meeting; in his eyes a fire burned.
He said, "I've smelled the smoke / from a long way off, and that's what
brought me 'round.
The very man that builds you up, is the one you're burning down."
Then he walked before each person there, and at each one he pointed
as in his face we read the warning; "Touch not Mine anointed!"
Then he said with such authority, that the strongest man there shook.
"The fire with which you roast him, is the one in which you'll cook!"
Then some people fainted, the rest all scattered
as the thunder roared and the windows shattered!
(music reaches crescendo and trails off, then becomes almost hymn-like here)
Yeah, it's safe to say that on that day we'd felt the chastening rod,
for it's a fearful thing / to fall into / the hands of an angry God!
When we looked back up the man was gone, in our ears his words were
ringing.
The sky had cleared, the rain had ceased; outside a bird was singing.
Nope, we'll never forget / when the stranger came / to town that Monday
night
but when he left / we knew in our hearts / that we had been set right.
And we got behind our pastor, not to talk but to support
and we really paid attention / when our souls he would exhort.
Lots of people are so hungry for the blessed Bread of Life;
don't take away their appetite with bitterness and strife.
So cook all you want, but whatever you do...
(delivered funny, as if frightened and shook up) Just don't have a
Pastor's Barbeque!

(group sings) When you've listened to the preacher,
don't put him on the grill.
Don't string him up then run him down
or his reputation kill.
(spoken in different voices) If his message steps hard on your toes...
oh well, that's just the way it goes!
Just eat the meat and toss the bone...
Or the goose you cook may be your own!
(group sings) So let this be a lesson, when the tempter comes to you,
just ignore his invitation / to the Pastor's Barbeque.
(Bro. Neal:) "Amen!"
Just ignore his invitation / to the Pas-tor's Bar-beee-quuuuuue!
(stretch out and hold for musical finale)
Narrator: We had revival then, I guarantee!
(Song has false end, then the music kicks in with a real revival sound and fades as church members shout and rejoice.)

END

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