The Trials of Rev. Milton Blumquist

Synopsis: Rev. Milton Blumquist, a down-home country preacher, is attempting to record his weekly radio program at home. As he begins to preach on "patience," of which he has none, a series of interruptions occur to disturb him. Each comical event is obviously being sent to help him see that he is lacking in the areas on which he is speaking. But he bull-headedly plows on, missing the point each time, until everything dissolves into chaos. At that point he begins to apply the sermon to himself, and makes progress.

Characters: Rev. Milton Blumquist. Played as an older man, down-home and country, who pastors a small country church.

Props: Handerchief, old table phone, flyswatter, big rubber fake fly, a Vick's nasal inhaler, thick comedy glasses. Boom box tape recorder.

Setting: A living room. All that is necessary is a card table and a folding chair.

Note: This is a one-man skit script that I have been performing for over 15 years in churches with great audience response. It is sound-effects heavy, depending completely on the soundtrack CD for the character to interact with. This is the same soundtrack that I put together for my own use. Familiarity with the script and CD are essential to the successful performance of this comedy script. It is intended for use by an performer with a good sense of comedic acting and timing. It also demands the ability to do physical comedy, as there is a good deal of action.

The script can be kept on the desk and referred to as a "cheat sheet" if needed, because the script calls for him to refer to his written notes as he delivers his radio message.

Soundtrack: As always, the specially-recorded soundtrack will make your performance of this skit script much funnier, professional, and effective. The music and sound effects for this script are on the Combo Package #12 CD, along with the tracks for "War of the Wills." Order it on the Soundtracks Page, or click here: Add CD #12 To Cart

All orders are mailed by First Class the next day after getting them, if not the same day! All CD orders come with a free download option to use til the CD arrives.

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Note: If the performer wishes to run his own sound from the boombox on the table, it can be done, but the CD may be dubbed to a cassette tape to make it easier to pause and play each time.

"The Trials of Rev. Milton Blumquist"
by Fred Passmore
Copyright 1990-2007 Sheep Laughs Publications

(Rev. Milton Blumquist enters from a side door as the music plays. He walks somewhat bow-legged and slightly hunched over. He seats himself at the table just as the comical country music ends.)

Rev. Blumquist: Finally, some peace and quiet! At last, I can record my radio show. Now that I've got this new tape recorder, I don't have to go to the radio station any more, I can make it right here in my own den! I'll just put the cassette in here, hit 'record' and come out preaching! (Clears sinuses noisily, and takes deep breath.)

Rev. Blumquist: (over music) I hit the wrong button! How do you turn this grundgy, trashy garbage off?! (He is hitting buttons, trying to turn off the radio.)
Which switch? (It gets quiet as he finally turns it off suddenly, but he's still yelling, and when he stops we hear the crickets.) Which switch?!!

Rev. Blumquist: (Taken aback at the silence and his shouting.) Oh. That switch. Gotta remember that. (Snorts and tries again.) Got it now, we're rolling, Howdy ya'll, my name is Rev. Milton Blumquist, and I'd like to welcome you to "In Heaven's Name," my weekly radio broadcast. This broadcast is an outreach of the Independant First Church of the Sanctified Brethern, located on the top of the hill just outside of Possum Holler, where I am the pastor. We'd like to invite you to attend our services, if you don't have a church home already.

Now, over the last few weeks, we have been talking about the Fruits of the Spirit. Now, when you manifest all of the Fruits of the Spirit, people will bear witness to the fact that you are a Spirit-filled Christian. Why, you'll be so full of the spiritual fruits that people will look at you and say, "There goes a Christian fruitcake!" I hear that all the time, and it makes me happy. We've already covered Love, Joy and Peace... and the next one is Longsuffering. This one could also be known as Patience. So. today's message is titled: (a beat) ...Do You Have Patience?

Having patience in the midst of trials is a testimony to the word of God in you. Now, sometimes, God will train us to have patience thru repeated lessons. Because sometimes we don't know as much about it as we think we do, and he's trying to tell us something.

Rev. Blumquist: Uh... but... but we never shut up long enough to stop, look and listen. And when we're impatient we can jump the track and derail our walk with the Lord.

(The train has begun passing and drowns out Milton, as all we see is his mouth moving, but we can't hear him. Finally he has had enough, and jumps up and runs to the door, opening it. He yells at the train and waves his arms. The train is causing such a vibration that he begins shaking, and as he grabs the table, it begins shaking too. He is holding on as everything quakes with the train's passing.)

Rev. Blumquist: (As the train noise fades, he yells in it's direction.) Get that noisy thang out of my yard or I'll kick you in the caboose! (Sits back down at the table as he is fuming.) Comes by here same time every week interrupting my recording! Devil musta been on that train, that's what it was. (Shouts in the direction of the fading train, as he shakes his fist at it.) That was a Hell-bound train!

All right, back to my message. Where was I. (Snorts as he consults his notes.) Oh yeah. Now, just like you have to train a dog thru repetition, the Lord will sometimes have to repeat our lessons till we learn them. He might even have to whack us a time or two with His Word, like a rolled-up newspaper, to get our attention.

(Performance note: In the following actions, the dog is unseen, and the action is done at a door off to the side of the platform. The dog is supposed to be just outside the door. When he is attacked, he has his leg through the frame, and the dog grabbing his leg is pantomimed as if it is trying to pull him through. He falls to the ground, is almost pulled out, but he grabs the door frame and pulls himself back in, except for the leg. His foot is still out of view, and he struggles. He seems almost pulled back out as he claws at the floor. This scene is great physical comedy and the actor can have some real fun with it as he makes it seem like he is fighting with the dog that is just out of sight.)

Rev. Blumquist: Hush, puppy! (The dog barks again.) Keep it down or I'll take your worthless hide back to the dump where I found ya! (The dog keeps barking, and Milton gets up, goes over to the door, which he opens.)

(Pointing at the dog.) I said, quiet down, you mangy, no-good excuse for a hound-dog! You want a two-by-four upside your head? (The dog growls menacingly. Milton freezes, afraid.) Whoa! Back off, there, buddy! Take it easy!

(Milton sticks out his foot toward the dog and it bites him! He falls to the floor as the dog yanks at his leg! He rolls over on his front and tries to drag himself away, but is pulled back several times as the dog is fighting with him.)

Rev. Blumquist: (Screaming.) Help! Get this friendish, flea-bitten, four-footed freak offa me!

(Milton finally pulls loose, and slams the door, holding it shut as the dog scratches at it from the other side. Milton is breathing heavily.)

Rev. Blumquist: (Making it back to the table, dragging his chewed-up leg.) Mercy sakes alive, I thought I was gonna lose my leg to that fur-covered Frankenstein! (Sits down.) Woo! Devil musta got into that dog. (Yelling in the direction of the dog.) That was the Hound from Hell! (Clears sinuses again with a snort.) All right, back to my message.

I'm sorry for all the technical problems we're having today, the devil don't like it when a Christian does good. And he's really after me today. But I'm gonna give ol' slewfoot a black eye, cause I'm not gonna quit! (Blows nose noisily into his handerchief.) Now, we're talking about patience. A lack of patience can cause us to miss opportunites to witness that are right under our noses.

(As he is saying the previous line, he picks up the Vicks Nasal Inhaler, removes the lid, sticks it up one nostril, and leaves it there as he talks. THIS WILL CRACK UP YOUR AUDIENCE!)

Rev. Blumquist: In Heaven's Name, how can I help you? (Pauses.) No, "In Heaven's Name" is the title of my radio show. No, there's no Janet here.... (Pauses.) Nope, no Yolanda neither.... (Pauses.) Nope, there ain't no Trisha here neither.... what number are you trying to call, son? (Pauses.) 1-900-L-O-V-E? Boy, have you got the wrong number! (Pauses.) You want me to talk to you? Boy, you need help! (He hangs up and takes out the nasal inhaler.)

That fellow was looking for love in all the wrong places! He needs the Lord, that's what he needs. Somebody ought to talk to him. Anyway, like I was trying to say, before I was interrupted again, is that if we aren't careful, we can be so busy with the Lord's work, that we miss the small oportunities to make share the gospel to someone that needs it. Pay attention to the doors the Lord opens for you to say a good word for Him!

Next, it's important to know that sometimes, tests of patience come to us thru close to us. The way we react to trouble shows our Christianity. And remember this: people are always looking at you! (Circling his eyes as if with binoculars, he peers around at the audience.) They're always watching to see if you live up to your profession. And when you don't, it sets off an alarm in their mind that says "he's a hypocrite!"

(Milton is irritated, but he tries to keep talking over the alarm.) For example, losing our temper with those around us will mess up our testimony to them. The way we treat our neighbor... determines what they think... of the God we serve! (He shouts the last few words, as he loses his temper! Leaping up, he runs to the door and opens it, shouting at the next door neighbor.)

Rev. Blumquist: FELDSTEIN! Cut off your stupid car alarm! (He runs back to the table and dials the phone quickly.) Feldstein! Turn that thang off! (Pause.) What thang? Are you deaf or just plain dumb? Now you shut it off or I'll shut you off, you got that? (He is still yelling when it goes off.) Thank you. Uh, by the way, while I have you on the phone, I'd like to invite you to church next Sunday! (Reacts as he is hung up on.) Hello! Hello? (Hangs up.) Huh, we must have been disconnected. I wonder why he started laughing so hard. (Sits back down.) Anyway, ain't nobody gonna want to steal that old hunk of junk he's got. The Devil must have went by and kicked it just to set me off. Oh well. Maybe now I can finish my message in peace. (Refers back to his notes.)

Now, oftentimes, brethern and cistern, it's the little things in life that can get to you.

Rev. Blumquist: (Milton notices the fly but tries to ignore it. ) It's the little distractions that can bug the life out of us and cause us to lose it completely. (Fly buzzes him and he waves it away.) Where'd that thang come from? Anyway, if that happens to you, you need more patience. (The fly buzzes him again and he snaps.) All right, I've had it! (He grabs the flyswatter and proceeds to try to hit the flying insect as it buzzes him.) Hold still, let me nail you with this swatter! Almost gotcha, you buzzing little..(He manages to chase the fly over to the door, which he opens. ) Get outta here, you pest! Shoo! (The fly has gone out the door, and he closes it, satisfied.) Good riddance. Now he can go back to Feldstein's where he came from. (He puts down the swatter and sits down.) Back to my message. Now, when we're talking about patience...

Rev. Blumquist: Now, who in the world could that be? (Get's up with an angry attitude.) If it's another one of those pesky Jee-hovah's Witnesses, I'll send him packing so fast it'll make his Watchtower spin! (He yanks open the door... no-one is there!) What the...?

Rev. Blumquist: It's the return of the fly!(He chases the fly around the table with the swatter.) I'm gonna kill this critter! (He dodges it as is flies around his head.) He's trying to fly up my nose! Whoop, there he is... (He nails it with the swatter, in synch with the WHOOSH/SPLAT on the track.) Gotcha!!! (He picks up the rubber fly by the wing and holds it up to inspect it.) He will big'un! (He tosses it away and sits back down.) The Devil musta sent that fly... no wonder they call him Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies. Now final question for you is...have you learned patience... or is the Lord gonna have to keep trying to teach it to you?

Track #10: (SFX: EVERYTHING STARTS TO HAPPEN: In sequence; Phone ring, thunder, cookoo clock, fly, dog, train, car alarm, helicopter, radio, and ends with commode flushing.)

Rev. Blumquist: (Picking up the phone and yelling into it.) In Heaven's name, What??? (Reacts.) They hung up. (Thunder rolls.) Uh, oh, sounds like a storm's a comin'! (Cookoo clock chimes.) That clock is drivin' me crazy! (Fly buzzes again.) It's another fly! And he's out to avenge his brother! (Dog barks.) The dog is back! Hush, you mutt! (Train horn blows.) The train is back! It ain't time for it! Get that train outta here! (Car alarm goes off again.) There goes that blamed car alarm again! FELDSTEIN! (Helicopter passes over.) Now there's a helicopter buzzing me! Where that come from??! (Radio blares again.) Who turned on that radio again?? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE??(Disgusted, he looks up and implores:) Lord, what else could happen?

Rev. Blumquist: (With a funny expression.) Why am I not surprised? (Tearfully.) There goes my testimony, right down the tubes. Lord, I can't do this. I just don't have the patience!

(When we hear the trumpet fanfare on the soundtrack, Milton freezes and look up, as if a light has dawned.)

Rev. Blumquist: Wait a minute...maybe that's it! I... don't have...the patience! (He slowly sits back down at the table, as the thought sinks in, then he looks up to Heaven.)

Oh, Lord... are you trying to tell me something here? Has all this trouble just been Your way of getting my attention?

Rev. Blumquist: (He picks up the Bible and turns to the marked page.) Maybe I should've read the scripture for today first. James 1, 2 through 4 says, "My brethern, count it all joy when you fall into divers temptations." (Looking back up.) Now I don't know what kind of temptations that divers have to face...but I'm sure they're much the same as the rest of us have to deal with. (Reads more.) "Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing."

(Puts down the Bible.) Well, Lord, there it is. I've been so blind, trying to tell others about patience, when I didn't have it myself! I'm sorry. Forgive me, and help me to learn from this today. And help me to be more compassionate with others that are trying to learn patience, and not just preach at them, 'cause that's all I been doing. Help me to have the love I need, to reach my fellow man. In Jesus name, amen.

Rev. Blumquist: (Blows nose noisily into hankie.) Wow, after that I feel all cleaned out inside! Now I can do this sermon! I'll start over, and preach it with a right attitude, with compassion, not a judgemental spirit. (He pushed the button on the tape deck again, and clears his sinuses loudly.)

Howdy, My name is Rev. Milton Blumquist, and I'd like to welcome you to "In Heaven's Name" my weekly radio broadcast. Today's topic: (a beat) ...patience! Now, this is an area that I've struggled with lately, but with the help of the Lord, I think I've finally got it whipped. (Milton pauses, as something comes to mind. He pushes the "stop" button the recorder.) Nope, I can't do the program yet. I've got to make something right.

Rev. Blumquist: (He stands.) The Lord's layin' it on my heart that I've got to make some restitution to poor old Feldstein next door.(He picks up his Bible and starts to walk to the door.) After all, if I can't be a good witness to my neighbors first, what's the use of trying to reach others I never even seen before? (He looks up with a grin as he exits.) I'm a-goin' Lord! In Heaven's Name, I'm a-goin!

(Inform me of your intention to use this script, or tell me what you thought of it, by going to the Contact Fred page of this site.)

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