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"Scriptural Smackdown"
copyight 2002 by Fred Passmore

(Adapted from our national one-minute radio program, "You Gotta Laugh!")

Listen to a Windows Media file of this program for inspiration!

In a pre-match analysis and interview, two commentators briefly introduce and speak with the contestants in the scheduled fight to see which style of baptism is superior The theme of the skit is the spectacle of church and denominational conflicts and the damage it does not only to the image of Christians but Christ.

The two announcers approach from opposite ends of the stage and meet in the middle. Both are wearing suits and are holding microphones. They stand side by side and look toward the audience when speaking to the "camera," then at each other when addressing one another.

(Background sound effects: continuous crowd noise.)

George: Welcome to Scriptural Smackdown, where believers battle it out over doctrinal differences! I'm George West.

Adam: And I'm Adam Reeves. Tonight's grudge match promises to be a bloody one, George.

George: You're so right, Adam. It's been dubbed the Battle of the Baptizers!

Adam: (Looking off the the right side of the stage.) Here comes the crowd favorite, the outspoken Downhome Dunker!

(sfx: cheers and whistles)

(The Downhome Dunker comes in from the right. He has on boxing shorts on over his bluejeans, and wears a plaid shirt, with baseball cap and boots. He may also have some sort of gaudy cape on.)

Adam: (continuing to speak as the Dunker comes toward them.) This rowdy southerner makes up in strength what he lacks in style.

(The Dunker raises his fists in the air and greets the crowd's cheers confidently.)

George: And also making his entrance is his nemesis, the Sophisticated Sprinkler!

(sfx: boos and hisses)

(The Sprinkler enters from the left. He wears a conservative suit with tie, but he also has boxer shorts on over his clothes. He wears a red cloth mask over his eyes, but has on glasses over it. He is something of a nerd.)

George: (continuing to speak as the Sprinkler comes on.) This nerdy northener fights with a sharp wit and seminary training. He may be more subtle, but he's dangerous when cornered!

Adam: (loudly, then holding the mic up to the fighter.) Dunker, what's your strategy for tonight's bout?

Dunker: (deep voice, with redneck delivery.) I'm gonna slam dunk that uppity headwetter! He's going under permanently!

George: Sprinkler, what's your response?

Sprinkler: (Nasal voice, with clear diction and pronunciation.) He's all wet! A good thrashing will teach that waterlogged buffoon that might doesn't make right!

Dunker: Aw, go soak yer head!

Sprinkler: Don't hold your breath!

(George and Adam keep back their respective champions from each other as they threaten one another with lunges and gestures. They end up getting caught in the middle of the rukus, taking smacks and punches as they are assailed by the two opponents who are doing more damage to the announcers than each other.)

Adam: (breaking away) And with that we'll go to a break. Stayed tuned for tonight's bout on Scriptural Smackdown, as Christians fight for the entertainment of the world!

(Each announcer hustles the man he was interviewing off the stage in the direction they came on from as the crowd cheers loudly. Each of the fighters are still jumping up to see and badmouth the other as they are pushed off stage.)

END

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